


Emotions! ...I hate them!

by GoldenBuddle



Series: Not Human [3]
Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half-Life, Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Amputation, Blood, Depression, Dissociation, HLVRAI, M/M, No beta we die like mne, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Shock, eventually, frenrey, frenrey will appear, not actually a game AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-07-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24655234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenBuddle/pseuds/GoldenBuddle
Summary: After feeling constantly on edge, being panicked and running only on Adrenaline. Eventually, Gordon crashes. He's just lucky enough to crash somewhere safe. Not so lucky to crash right after he wakes up.
Series: Not Human [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772872
Comments: 25
Kudos: 391





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Quick translation to Benrey's Sweet Voice due to Tommy's absence in the beginning!
> 
> Blue to Purple means You're Okay!  
> Purple means I'm Okay!  
> Teal to Green means I'm Not Mean!  
> Teal means Surprise/Need Meal!  
> Candy Red means I'm Angry  
> Yellow to Mauve means I'm feeling in love!  
> Merlot (reddish purple) means I'm confused!  
> Merlot to Blue means I'm confused with you!  
> Candy to Blue means I'm angry with you!  
> Pink to blue means I love you!  
> Green to Blue means it's nice to meet you!
> 
> (basically, Blue means you.)

“Wh-What are they doing to-to Mr. Freeman?!”

..Tommy? What, why is he-?

Gordon felt a hard hit to his chest. It passed through the HEV and knocked his breath out of him. 

What was happening-?

His knees hit the ground as he felt two sets of arms wrap around his own.

“H-He was supposed to help us get home!”

“do your job right, and he should be _dead_ soon!”

A metallic shwing filled the air.

“Whoa, hey that wasn’t part of the plan-!”

“Nononono- What are they doing, t-to-?!”

The knife came down, and Gordon’s eyes flew open, the blade burned as it buried its self into his arm. His vision blurred as spit and a scream ripped from chest, and into the darkened room.

His eyes burned, his lungs burned, his arm- _oh god his arm-_

His vision continued to blur as sticky tears made rivers down his sweaty face. He’s out of commission, he isn’t safe he can’t hear the other members of his team-

He opened his eyes- And were colors dancing in the air around him.

...What?

“Gordon, don’t make me use the sweet voice.”

Gordon blinked, and his blurry vision slowly cleared. He.. he wasn’t in Black Mesa. He’s... in his house. Safe.

Gordon blinked again before he looked down, Benrey was sitting in front of him, blue and purple mist escaping from their mouth.

He’s... safe. Home. Benrey is here, and that means the others are nearby.

A hiccup ripped from Gordon as his eyes started to flood again. He’s safe. He’s safe. He doesn’t have to k- He doesn’t have to _survive anymore._

He was half-aware that he had lunged forward and was currently hugging the Eldrich being like his life was depending on it. 

His head was buried into Benrey’s shoulder as hiccup after hiccup, sob after sob burst from him. He’s done being the leader, he’s done yelling at everyone because they needed to be serious to survive, he just wants, no, needs to _cry_.

“ah, uh. what?” Benrey started to vibrate slightly as more and more mist flowed out of their mouth. The colors shift from teal to green then back to teal again.

Gordon didn’t even notice, his head was still buried into the confused entity, and his emotions were heightened by the nightmare and that he can’t feel-

The physicist’s eyes flew open as he jerked back from Benrey and into his now bloodstained couch. Where, where did the blood come from-?

Gordon’s eyes dropped from the Benrey and the Sweet Voice to his chest, which was shirtless and tightly bandaged. It, right he was shot at. Bruises and cuts. Where’s the blood coming from then?

A pang of pain pulsed through his arm. Not the stub, no, that constantly hurt. It burned, and he wasn’t touching that even with how horrible he was feeling.

“...uh, Gordon?”

Nope, not right now, Benrey. He’s trying to figure out where the blood is coming from.

“jesus christ Feetman-“

Benrey’s hand reached out and shoved a dirty shirt onto his wrist- oh, that’s where the blood was coming from. Did he rip an IV or something?

“you haven’t even been awake for ten minutes, and you’ve already lost tons of red stuff, what’s wrong with you?”

Nervous laughter burst from Gordon’s chest as he leaned back, Benrey had to pull him back up.

“Blood-Blood loss and Shock, maybe!” Gordon laughed. “Don’t know! Everything hurts!”

Benrey squinted their eyes at the hysterical man. “how did you even survive black mesa?”

“Adrenaline, probably!”

The entity sighed as they pressed the dirty shirt, yeah that’s probably not safe to be using for this, tighter against Gordon’s wrist. “yeah, go back to sleep Gordon.”

Gordon suddenly slumped again, looking like he was going to pass out right then and there. “Safe?”

Blue and purple slowly leaked out of Benrey’s mouth as they nodded. 

“Cool.” Gordon nodded back, nearly falling over as he slurred out the word. What the hell was up with Gordon? Even with that one meltdown he had, he didn’t act like this! What makes it so different? 

“Gonna sleep now.” Benrey made an agreeable noise, because yes he should sleep, but the entity was confused about why he was acting so weird.

He woke up with a scream, clung to Benrey like a koala, which, to be fair, Benrey was almost basically sitting on him but still- and then he laughed and passed out.

The entity was just confused now.

A reddish purple mist flowed from their mouth, they were really confused. And, usually, the sweet voice helps them calm down and understand themself, but it’s doing nothing, and now they’re sitting there holding a dirty shirt against Gordon’s arm, who was currently passed out again.

...Benrey really didn’t understand humans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, quick disclaimer that I should’ve put in the beguinning.  
> I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, if I get any of this wrong please tell me so I can do my best to fix it.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr if ya want!  
> I mainly shitpost there but I occasionally post things I write that don't go here!  
> https://golden-buddle.tumblr.com/


	2. Chapter 2

The next time Gordon’s eyes fluttered open, it was thankfully not accompanied by a scream, or followed by him immediately bursting into tears when he realized he was safe.  


Gordon simply slowly woke up to a dark room with no memories of the last time he woke up. Which if he could remember it, he would probably be thankful that he didn’t this time around.

The Physicist woke up to a sticky back, a pain-filled arm, oh, and a dirty blood-soaked shirt taped to his _other_ arm. _Literally, someone_ used duct tape to keep the shirt over his arm. Which, in fact, wasn’t the arm that gave him the most pain. Lucky him.

A soft sigh blew out of the tired man’s mouth. Without his other arm, he couldn’t pull the dirty shirt off. Well, he could use his teeth, but he is not doing that thank you very much. It’s covered in blood, goop, and something brown that he just hopes is dirt and not more dried blood.

Gordon quickly pulled himself up further as he pulled his feet off of his couch, god if his parents were here, they’d kill him.

He moved to stand up before pausing. He was ninety percent sure he had a coffee table in his living room, he banged his feet against it and tripped over it more than enough times for it to not exist.

The man blinked before squinting...Why was everything blurry? 

Oh, right. Glasses. Where are his glasses? Even his currently cracked glasses would be better than no glasses.

Still squinting Gordon fell back onto the filthy blood cover couch, he’s gonna have to get it replaced, and he started to scan the darkened room. It, well, was dark.

And without his glasses, everything just looked like blurry blobs, which was just... _great_.

He was in his home, he thinks. He’s pretty sure he gave Bubby, wait no, Bubby kept crashing into things, Dr. Coomer drove. He’s pretty sure he gave Dr. Coomer the directions to his home, and by the looks of his blurry vision, he’s pretty sure he made it.

But why the fuck is his coffee table missing? It gave him hell, yes, but he still likes it damnit.

What the hell took his coffee table? ...It was Benrey, wasn’t it?

Gordon blinked before squinting again, right, right, glasses. Why is he so distracted today?

He moved his arm, and the stiff shirt reminded him that, hey! It’s there!

...He probably got a real bad cut or something, and the others didn’t know how to handle it. Not surprising.

Wait, distractions, right. Yeah. Uh, glasses. That was what he was thinking about. 

He’s.. distracted because of blood loss probably. There _is_ a lot of it sticking to his couch _and_ back. Which is great.

He needs to.. Gordon sighed again as his eyes fluttered shut, and he slouched. What was it that he needed?

He needs to make a list. A small one that he can remember easily.

Glasses. He needs to get his old pair of glasses if he can’t find his current pair.

Then he can get some food, replenish his blood supply by eating and resting.

And finally, get the damn shirt off his arm. It’s definitely not sanitary, and he would like to not lose his _other_ arm due to sepsis, okay?

Great. Good. He’s got a plan.

Now with some sort of plan in his head, the Physicist stood up and started towards the hallway, being careful to avoid the lumps of objects he’s pretty sure was once his _other_ furniture.

He slowly limped down the hallway. He had to pause multiple times, the pain in his arms, his chest, his legs, basically the only thing that didn’t hurt was his head. And he was rapidly getting a headache. Concussion maybe?

Gordon blinked again as he rested against the wall.

His entire aching body forced him to keep pausing and taking breaths. He would wonder why the HEV suit wasn’t administering the painkillers, but by the cool air blowing past his chest, it was apparent he wasn’t wearing it.

Gordon paused again, ...the shirt taped to his arm is his shirt, isn’t it?

His eyes dropped to his semi-useful arm as he tried to peer past the darkness and gunk all over it. And yup, it’s his shirt. He’s just grateful no one pantsed him while he was out.

With a slight huff, Gordon pushed himself off the wall, and he continued down the hallway, and finally to the door at the end of it.

Moving carefully, he pushed it open and quickly slid into the room.

Which was his bedroom. This, he hopes, hasn’t changed at all. And luckily for him, it didn’t. So he was quickly able to limp towards the side of his bed, drop down onto his bed, and sit there as he tried to remember why he was going here.

...Glasses. Right.

The filthy shirt actually crunches as Gordon reached over to his nightstand to open the drawer. He was able to quickly open it and pull out a leather sleeve.

And after fumbling with his stub before just ripping it out of the sleeve with his teeth, he had his old prescription on his face.

The edges of his room were slightly blurry, and that made sense. It was his old prescription, but at least he was able to _see_ again.

Now.. he had to grab some food and tear off the bloody shirt that he definitely has to burn.

Gordon just continued to sit there in the room.

...Or he could just sit there and sleep and take care of everything when it was light outside again.

...Yeah. That, that sounds better.

Much much better.

He would have to wash his sheets in the morning, but at least he would be able to sleep somewhere safe instead of passing out because of the pain.

Speaking of pain, he’s pretty sure his.. wrist, he doesn’t have a hand anymore, his wrist, his wrist should be giving him more trouble.

Gordon leaned back, and his bloody back hit the comforter.

But it wasn’t. And he was definitely not awake enough to find out why.

Yeah. He’s just gonna sleep again. He’ll probably panic when he wakes up again, but that’s fine. That’s for future Gordon to deal with.

Present Gordon just needs to sleep.

So, ignoring the gross shirt, Gordon pulled his legs onto the bed, pulled the comforter over him, and just fell asleep.

He’s probably gonna break his glasses. But eh, that’s fine. He needs new ones anyway. After all, his other pair broke.

———

_“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU LOSE A MAN WITHOUT AN ARM?!”_

Aaaand he’s up.

Gordon blearily sat up from the small nest of blankets he made... _sometime_ last night. 

Right, last night. He woke up in his living room shirtless after Dr. Coomer drove him home, and.. then what?

The Physicist blinked as he reached up to correct his crooked glasses, only to have his right arm overshoot and nearly clock his own face with his amputated arm.

Goddamn it.

With a muffled sigh, he moved to pull his other arm out of the nest only to pause when his arm caught against something, and he felt like something was pulling on it.

Jesus Christ did the crew just take off the HEV’s pants and shirt.

The man scowled as he jerked the arm out of the bundle of blankets. Whatever the thing was wrapped around his arm, it was revealed with a gross stench along with it.

...It was his godamned shirt taped to his arm. Who the fuck sets it up like a bandage? They had clean bandages, that was obvious since his-his wrist is bandaged with mostly clean bandages. And as far as he can tell, the only dirty parts are from his own arm.

So why the hell did they use a dirty shirt?

A deafening crashing noise caused Gordon to immediately jump out of bed and onto the ground, the bed as a barrier between the door and himself.

_“Bubby, calm down!”_

Oh. It’s just the team. Right, they were arguing.

With a huff, the Physicist shakily stood up and walked around the bed. Fuck it, he might as well go see them. Find out why they used a filthy shirt, get them to take it off, and he can finally fucking take a shower.

After a week of continually fighting monsters in a sweaty hazmat like suit, he deserves a fucking warm shower goddamn it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, quick disclaimer that I should’ve put in the beguinning.  
> I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, if I get any of this wrong please tell me so I can do my best to fix it.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr if ya want!  
> I mainly shitpost there but I occasionally post things I write that don't go here!  
> https://golden-buddle.tumblr.com/


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Tommy Voice™ Activated)  
> Ivory to Garnet means worry and panic!  
> Pink to Cream means love and relief!

_**“HOW THE FUCK DID YOU LOSE A MAN WITHOUT AN ARM?!”** _

The tips of Bubby’s hair was smoking as even more smoke leaked out the sides of his mouth. He was pissed goddamn it!

As much as they all fucked with Gordon, they knew he wasn’t like him. And then Benrey just went and fucking lost him?!

His shoulders were bunched back as he stared down at the shorter being. Ivory white and Garnet red orbs floated around the entity. 

Bubby could read it if he wanted to, but fuck it, Benrey _lost_ Gordon. he wasn’t going to even try.

The clone snarled before he lashed out, grabbing the front of Benrey’s uniform and dragging them closer to his face. _“Answer the damn question Benrey!”_

Dr. Coomer let out a noise of alarm as Bubby shoved his face even closer into the entity’s face. _“How the fuck did you lose him?!”_

With eyes wide with panic and tears, Benrey opened their mouth and a gust of Ivory to Garnet burst out of them. “I don’t know! He was asleep! I thought it was safe!”

The ends of Bubby’s lab coat burst into flames as he growled. _“Well, he wasn’t-!”_ Before he could continue, Dr. Coomer grabbed his arms and easily tore him off the panicking security guard. Though Bubby’s immediately thrashing managed to cause the nearby TV to be knocked off its table, and cause Benrey to scurry away like a frightened cat, Dr. Coomer managed to keep his hold tight around the clone.

Holding onto the smoking clone tightly, Dr. Coomer’s eyes were wide with panic as well. _“Dr. Bubby, calm down!”_

Bubby just thrashed some more, but before he was able to burst into flames, a door being slammed shut caught everyone’s attention.

Their heads turned towards the source, the hallway, and they all froze.

Gordon Freeman was standing at the end of the hallway. A bloody mess with a rats nest of hair, a filthy shirt duct-taped to where his IV was, and his bandaged stub slightly dirty.

Oh, and he was wearing bright white glasses that he squinted behind.

“It’s six in the morning and I went through hell yesterday. Can you tell me why the FUCK you are making all this racket?!”

The team blinked before Dr. Coomer let Bubby go, and spoke a nervous, “Hello Gordon?”

Bubby scurried away as the man of the hour just turned towards Dr. Coomer and snapped out a “He _llo_ Dr. Coomer.” Before he turned back to the rest. _“Well?!”_

Benrey’s panicked Sweet voice shifted to Pink and Cream as he took a step forward. Gordon just scowled and stepped forward as well, before his face went white and he had to cling to the wall to be able to stay upright. Dr. Coomer immediately found himself right beside the man. “Gordon, are you alright?”

The physicist swallowed the dry ball that suddenly climbed up his throat as Dr. Coomer held onto his arm. “I’m fine Dr. Coomer. Just.. blood loss. I’ll be fine once I eat and drink something.” Gordon’s... fifty, yeah fifty percent sure that’s what’s wrong with him. 

It’s either that or sepsis from the goddamn shirt taped to him. Speaking of the shirt, Gordon grit his teeth as he looked up to the stronger and older man holding him up. 

“Dr. Coomer, can you _please_ take this goddamn shirt off my arm?”

The extremely strong man just let out a slight hum as he guided Gordon into the living room and towards the blood-stained couch. 

“...Dr. Coomer?” ...Gordon really hoped his voice didn’t come out _that_ weak.

“In a moment, Dr. Freeman. Bubby! Can you grab the extra Bandages? Gordon has sullied the bandages Miss Mari had applied-!”

“Wait, Mari was here?” His heart dropped as his eyes widened. “Oh god, please tell me she didn’t bring Josh-!”

Benrey, who was across the room and now standing behind a chair, totally not cowering from the glare Bubby was still giving him from the medkit’s side. How the hell is he doing that anyway? “calm down Feetman. mari didn’t bring your shit kid.”

Gordon’s jaw tightened _again_. “Joshua isn’t shit. Can you stop calling him that?!” 

“Now now, Gordon! We need to keep your blood pressure down! And, it’s rude to snap at guests!”

Gordon just stared up at Dr. Coomer with a deadpanned expression. “At this point, I don’t even think I live here since you guys settled in.”

“it’s only been a day Gordos.”

The physicist’s eyes twitched as his jaw somehow tightened _again_. “ _Yes_ , and that’s a problem.”

Benrey, across the room still, noticeably straightened up as Bubby popped his head out of the medkit and walked to Dr. Coomer’s side.

The clone shoved the supplies into Dr. Coomer’s arms before he quickly pivoted towards the only human in the room. “Where the hell were you Gordon? You scared the crap out of Benrey!”

...What? “...What?”

Dr. Coomer gently started to unravel the bandages as Bubby folded his arms. “You heard me! Where did you go!”

...Yeah, that still doesn’t make any sense. It was obvious that he was still in the house.

“I checked the Bathroom! I checked the weird colorful room! I checked the Kitchen! I even checked the backyard! Where. Were. You?!”

Bubby’s posture was tight as he glared down at the human. It was obvious to everyone in the room, Especially to Benrey since they were now absent from the room, that Bubby was either pissed or worried.

“...I was in my bedroom?”

“What the hell is a bedroo-?!”

“And all done!” Dr. Coomer suddenly chirped as he stood up. Gordon’s eyes dropped from Bubby to his arm before he blinked. Damn, Dr. Coomer worked _fast_. All of the bandages wrapped around his.. wrist. His _wrist_. Were changed into a much cleaner version.

Gordon swallowed before he cleared his throat. “Oh. Uh, thanks.”

“No need to thank me, Gordon! Miss Mari stressed the importance of keeping your Amputated arm clean!”

Gordon didn’t wince. He didn’t wince at the words Dr. Coomer chose. He _didn’t_.

Again, the man swallowed the lump that was climbing up his throat again.

“...Why did Mari come here? I thought she was still working on her Veterinarian license.”

Bubby uncrossed his arms as he walked to the recliner by the front door. Benrey’s gun was still right next to it. “You told Dr. Coomer to call her. Something about none of us having a medical degree before you passed out.”

Oh. Right. Yeah, that makes sense. Gordon just nodded as Dr. Coomer switched to Gordon’s other side. “Now! Let’s get this filthy shirt off of your arm!” As the older man worked, he lightly tsked.

“Benrey, this is not sanitary at all!”

Bubby cracked his hands as he leaned forward. “Benrey isn’t here. He left a bit ago.”

Gordon immediately frowned. “...That’s not good.” Before he let out a sharp hiss as Dr. Coomer pulled off a corner of the ducktape from Gordon’s skin.

“...Can’t you be a little bit gentler?!”

Dr. Coomer tsked again. “I’m afraid not Gordon! It’s duct tape!”

The man turned towards the man before he automatically tried to jerk his arm away from Dr. Coomer. Instead of pulling it off like a bandaid, he was slowly peeling it off his arm.

“-Coomer! Goddamn it!” It took all of Gordon’s willpower to not scream those words at the heavens as he tried to pull his arm away from the man. 

Dr. Coomer just continued to do it. While yes, it distracted him from his fucked up stub of a wrist, it still really fucking hurt. Enough so that he couldn’t really focus on anything else.

An eternity, or a moment later, Dr. Coomer beamed a bright smile and stepped back from the hissing and teary-eyed Gordon.

Without the adrenaline running through his veins, he could feel everything and goddamn it that _hurt_.

“Jesus Christ Coomer! Give a man a little warning please!” The raw skin on his arm pulsed in the air, and goddamnit he wanted to rub it but since his other arm is currently missing a key component to do that, he’s stuck hissing out breath after breath.

“Okay! Let’s recap Gordon!”

Yeah okay, a distraction from the pain. Please. Gordon quickly bobbed his head towards Dr. Coomer who was quickly pacing a hole into his carpet. ...Great yeah. Gordon’s really hoping that Dr. Coomer doesn’t make this into a habit.

“We brought you here after Tommy’s dad took the Gun arm away, Tommy stayed behind because he was distracted, when we got you here you told us to call Mari then you passed out.” As Dr. Coomer spoke he slowly stopped pacing until he was facing the couch and Gordon.

“We dismantled the HEV suit and set up an IV. Mari arrived soon after and she helped us clean up your wound. And while we were burning-“ Bubby interrupted him with a small cough, “And while Bubby was burning the bloody stuff, Tommy appeared and quickly checked up on you!”

Bubby stood up and walked towards Dr. Coomer’s side. “You were still conked out so he quickly left, he needed to check on Sunkist. He’s supposed to come back here sometime today.”

Dr. Coomer beamed as he folded his arms behind him. “And that’s all that has happened while you were out!”

Gordon blinked up at the two men. ...Yeah okay that all made sense. Mari has a helpful streak a mile wide, so that makes sense, and Bubby has always been good with fire so that also makes sense. 

“Any questions?” Bubby’s voice tore Gordon out of his thoughts, and the man immediately flattened his expression.

“Yeah, can I take a shower now?”

The two other men blinked. “...Sure!” Dr. Coomer was the first one to recover.

Gordon immediately slapped his one hand onto his knee before he pulled himself up, just carefully enough to avoid going white again. “Great. I’m going to go get all this fucking blood off of me. When I get back out, we’re gonna talk about living situations. Because I do not believe for a second that you two live outside of Black Mesa.”

The duo bobbed their heads, and Gordon immediately started to walk towards the bedroom, clean clothes first, shower second. As he reached the hallway again, he heard Bubby faintly asking Dr. Coomer what a shower was.

...Yeah, he’ll cover that later. Along with the TV if he remembers.

Gordon quickly made it into his room, he was able to somewhat quickly open the dresser before pulling out a few random articles of clothing before he slammed it shut with his foot.

Okay. Clothes acquired. Time to get all this blood off of himself.

With a huff and a bit of a struggle, Gordon was able to slide into the bathroom that was connected to his room. Dropping the clothes onto the sink he walked over to the shower and.. he froze.

How the fuck is he supposed to take a shower without getting his bandages wet? 

He could just stick his arm out of the shower and hope that no water drips down onto the bandages, but that’s not guaranteed to work.

...Fuck.

Maybe a bag will work? ...Does he have any bags in the bathroom?

Gordon sighed as he spun on his heels and he walked over the to the counter. If he does, it would be under the sink.

The man dropped down into a crouch before he pulled open the counter’s doors and he peered into the darkened area. He needed to squint, damnit how old are these glasses? But he managed to spot an old shopping bag behind the pipes and cleaning supplies.

Gordon huffed slightly before he dropped down to his knees fully, and he reached into the depths of the counter.

He just barely managed to avoid the bag getting caught on anything as he pulled it out, and he was extremely relieved to find it had no holes in it. Yeah, it was a bit dusty, but it was _useable_. And that’s what he needed at the moment.

So after he pulled himself up, which, fuck having only one hand really fucked with his balance, he was able to glance into the mirror for the first time.

And... he looked like crap. His hair was a nest of knots, his skin was pale and shiny, and.. crap how long has he gone with minimal sleep? His eyes looked like they could hold an entire mall with the bags they were carrying.

The man slumped as he moved to cover his face, only to freeze when his stub of a goddamn wrist came into view.

His jaw tightened as he stared down at the stub. The fucking _stub_. He’s been saying he has a wrist, but he doesn’t even _have_ a wrist. The pain it’s been steadily giving him didn’t even try to remind him he was missing have his arm.

He’s fucking... “Goddamnit!” The shout ripped out of his chest as he grabbed the bar of soup on the table before he tossed it full force against the wall.

It hit the wall with a surprisingly quiet thud, and Gordon sunk to the floor. 

The cold tiles easily burst through the HEV’s under armor, fuck it’s not even under armor. It’s like cheap-ass jeans.

The cold bit against his skin but Gordon just sat there. 

With all The blood coating his body, he couldn’t even tell if any of it was _his_. There are probably at least some cuts on his upper body, but _damnit_. He doesn’t want to deal with the bruises and cuts that definitely littered his body.

He’s not fucking ready to deal with the consequences of Black Mesa’s fuckups. But he doesn’t have a choice, does he?

A quick burst of air blew out his mouth before he sat up. First things first, get the hair tie out of his hair, get into the shower next, and when he gets out, dry off and see if he looks at least a little less like shit.

...The best plan he could have, he guessed.

With another sigh, his one hand went into his hair, and he started to wrestle with it.

...Fucking hell this might take a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, quick disclaimer that I should’ve put in the beguinning.  
> I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, if I get any of this wrong please tell me so I can do my best to fix it.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr if ya want!  
> I mainly shitpost there but I occasionally post things I write that don't go here!  
> https://golden-buddle.tumblr.com/


	4. Chapter 4

Gordon didn’t know exactly how long he was in the shower for, twisting around the shampoo and conditioner bottles, trying to avoid getting water onto the bag wrapped around his bandages, untangling the dozens of knots in his hair with soap and his non-dominant, his only hand not cooperating with him.

But eventually, he managed to get clean, and he stepped out. Grabbing two of the towels on the rack next to the shower, the physicist slowly worked on getting dry. All the while avoiding looking towards the fog covered mirror.

He’s not going to look at himself. He’s.. clean now. And without all the dirt and the blood covering how shitty he looks, he’s, afraid.

He knows he has cuts all over his body, the stinging of the soapy water told him that very early on, and he also knows he’s covered in bruises. They almost always overlapped with the cuts.

He just... doesn’t want to look into the mirror and see himself. See how dead he looked, how deep the bags under his eyes dug into his face.

He doesn’t want to see himself, because that means when he does, he’ll have to confront the fact that everything he did, was real.

He didn’t realize he was dry, he just continued to use the towel to scrub himself.

He didn’t want to face the fact that he.. _he killed people_.

A plasticky ripping noise roughly tore Gordon out of his thoughts, and he just stood there. Most of the steam was gone, and the bag that was wrapped around his stub was slowly drifting to the floor.

Gordon just blinked as he stared down at it.

He blinked again, and his other hand dropped down to his side. ...He can’t do this.

He.. he _can’t_.

He’s only human. He’s only _human_.

 _He can’t do this_.

Tears threatened to overtake his vision, but he slammed his eyes shut, trying his hardest to not let any tears make any more hot rivers down his cheeks.

He can’t do this, but he can’t break down either. Dr. Coomer is out there, Bubby is out there. Benrey is.. somewhere he needs to figure out later, but they are out there. He needs to pull himself together and go deal with them.

And, and if Benrey returns, Gordon can deal with him later.

So, the man pulled a shaky breath in before he pulled himself back up, when did he sink to the floor..? Ah, never mind that. He needs to get ready.

He brushed his hair, he pulled it into a very messy ponytail, and he put on his glasses.

He felt empty. Like a shell of a man. But no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn’t look like that. He couldn’t.

So he forced a smile onto his face, and he stepped out of the warm bathroom into his sunny bedroom. 

He didn’t linger, he didn’t look down at the blood flaked sheets and blankets, he just left the bedroom and walked into the hallway, then down the hallway and past Benrey who was sitting on the counter fiddling with something in their hands.

Gordon didn’t linger there either. He just walked into the living room and stood next to the broken TV, and in front of him, on his blood-stained couch, sat Dr. Coomer and Bubby. 

A small sigh escaped Gordon before he opened his mouth and-

“you look like shit.”

The man’s eye twitched as Benrey continued to fiddle with the same item.

...At least the entity was back in Gordon’s sight and no longer wandering the city. Small blessings Gordon, _small. blessings._

Through gritted teeth, Gordon turned towards the entity and his eyes immediately twitched again. In Benrey’s hands, lay a severely mangled fork. And by the engravings, it was one of his good forks as well.

“Benrey. I’m aware that I look like shit but we need to talk. And, can you _please_ fix that fork?” The man’s fist clenched then released, he wasn’t going to beat up Benrey. Benrey helped him when he got low on painkillers. 

...He can still imagine it though.

Benrey didn’t even look up. “nah. not until you sit.”

“...I’m sorry?”

The entity flipped the mangled item in their hands as they looked up at Gordon, their right eye hidden in the shadows of their helmet. “you heard me Feetman. sit down.”

A slight hiss of air escaped Gordon as he took a step closer to Benrey. “Why.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Behind him, there was a slight scurrying noise as Bubby and Dr. Coomer moved around behind them.

A small smile spread across Benrey’s face as they looked up at the taller man. “cus, you need to eat. you’re pale as fuck, almost paler than me, and I’m grey scaled bro.”

Gordon’s eye twitched again. “...I hate you so much.”

“you’ve told me that. now if you want this fork to be fixed sit your ass down on the couch.”

Gordon’s expression finally dropped into anger. “What couch?! Are you talking about the one soaked in my own fucking blood?!” He quickly snarled out as he pointed behind him, towards the said couch.

“nah, i’m talking about the one covered in a white blanket.”

The man paused before he slowly turned his head away from Benrey, towards where his couch would be. And while it was there, it was also covered in a very fluffy white blanket. Gordon was also pretty sure he didn’t own a blanket like that. So where the fuck did Benrey get it?

“...Where the fuck did you get that?”

Benrey shrugged. “sit down and find out.”

Fucking- Fine. “You know what, fine. I’m too tired to deal with your bullshit.”

A sharp smile quickly blossomed across the entities face as Gordon dragged his feet to the couch, he plopped his ass down on the fluffiest damn blanket he’s ever felt. Like Jesus, where the fuck did Benrey even get this?

Benrey’s already sharp smile somehow sharpened, “good. now catch!”

Gordon immediately squinted his eyes at the being. “...Why would I -?”

But the man was cut off as Benrey reached behind their back to pull out a red and yellow box, once it was in their hands, they chucked it at Gordon’s lap.

The man was just barely able to catch it, his.. stub gave him more problems than he thought as it nearly knocked it off of him and into the blanket. Which was still fluffy and Gordon has no idea why his brain keeps returning to how fluffy it was.

But he managed to keep the red and yellow box on his lap. And by doing so he got a good look at it.

“...Benrey why did you go to McDonald’s.” Gordon’s tone was flat as he pulled the top of the box, the Happy Meal, goddamnit, open.

The entity just shrugged. “you said you need food and rest to get better. and you’re no fun when you’re like this.”

A small sigh escaped from the physicist as he pulled out the Happy Meal’s toy. “...I can’t argue with that.” With another sigh, Gordon dropped the toy to his side, where it was immediately scooped up by Dr. Coomer, and the man returned to rifling through the box to find out what Benrey got him.

“Chicken Nuggets meal? Really?”

Benrey let out an annoyed noise as they returned to fiddling with the fork, hopefully fixing it, “don’t be a baby Gordon. just eat your food or i’ll feed it to bubby, i’m sure he is interested in some sort of food that isn’t ground up paste.”

The physicist glanced up, and Benrey was right, apparently. As Bubby was across the room staring at the box with a focused look. Gordon’s expression flattened slightly. “...Bubby do you want to try some apples?”

The clone was just that, a clone. It made sense that he never had any chance to try normal human foods. And, Besides, Gordon wasn’t gonna eat the apples in the meal anyway, if he’s eating greasy fast food, he’s eating greasy fast food.

Bubby perked up immediately. A hopeful look on his face before he squashed it down. “..Ehm, ...Yes.”

Gordon’s hand dug into the box. “Cool, I’m not getting up though. So catch.” The man scooped out the small baggy of apples and gently tossed it across the room to Bubby.

The clone caught it in the air and immediately started working on getting it open. Gordon just resumed digging into the box and fishing out his food.

“You better fix that fork, Benrey.” He muttered as he finally pulled out what he was looking for, the ketchup packets.

Benrey scoffed. “i am, Feetman. don’t worry.”

“Good. My silverware is fucking expensive and I’m not replacing it any time soon.” The physicist muttered as he fiddled the chicken nugget box open. 

...There were only five.

Fuck it, five is better than nothing. Besides, he’s still got the fries.

Gordon started to fiddle with one of the ketchup packets before he paused and squinted. ...Didn’t they replace the fries with fruit..?

Bubby broke Gordon out of his thoughts by letting out a shout of triumph as the clone ripped open the small bag of apples.

...Five nuggets are better than nothing at all, he guessed.

Bubby shoved an apple into his mouth as Gordon returned to trying to rip open the ketchup packet. After a few moments passed he just gave up and he shoved one of the nuggets into his own mouth.

Food is food, he guessed. And at least he’s got some food that’s still good. He’s got no fucking clue how long they were in Bla- that death trap. Most of his food is probably long gone damnit.

Gordon shoved another nugget into his mouth. When he gets everyone out he’s keeping this blanket. He still has no idea where Benrey got it but it’s his now and he’s not gonna give up this cloud-like blanket. It’s his now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, quick disclaimer that I should’ve put in the beguinning.  
> I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, if I get any of this wrong please tell me so I can do my best to fix it.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr if ya want!  
> I mainly shitpost there but I occasionally post things I write that don't go here!  
> https://golden-buddle.tumblr.com/


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the last few weeks of silence >.>  
> A few things cropped up and had to have all my attention on it

"So, now what, Gordon?" Bubby asked as he rumpled the empty bag in his hands into a ball.

The two finished eating just a bit ago, Benrey had fixed the fork he was fiddling with, and Dr. Coomer had just been sitting in silence as they ate.

So yeah, what now? Gordon let out a quiet huff as he leaned back into the blanket. "..I think, I.."

The man trailed off before he sighed, and Gordon's expression flattened. "...Yeah, I have no clue."

"...Well," Dr. Coomer started, "We could start with calling Miss Mari? She might be able to tell us if you are safe and if the sudden grey in your hair is worrying!"

The physicist in the room blinked as Bubby agreed, and Coomer stood up to walk to the house phone. "...Wait, what?"

Bubby rolled his eyes. "We're going to call your Ex-Wife, Gordon. Keep up."

"No, I understood that, What about grey hair-?" A faint tug on Gordon's loose ponytail cut him off before a grey lock fell into his line of sight, 

"congrats, bro, you're aging." Benrey snarked as he dropped down next to him.

"...Holy fuck." Gordon muttered as he just stared at the translucent grey hairs. "... I'm only 27, how the FUCK did I end up with grey hair overnight?! I didn't have it before Black-"

His voice died as realization slammed into him. "Oh, fucking hell-"Gordon's voice was quiet as his one hand reached up to cover his eyes. Fucking _stress_. He's greying early because of _fucking **stress**_.

Benrey leaned forwards slightly, "you, uh cut out there, buddy. you alright there?"

"I'm fine, Benrey. Just... let me have a break down in peace." The physicist's voice sounded quiet as he just sat there.

A beat passed as Benrey leaned back. Then-

"Good News, everyone!" Dr. Coomer shouted as he burst into the room, "Miss Mari said greying hair is normal after a stressful encounter, and that she will be on her way!"

Gordon just slumped further. "I hate my life."

"Don't we all." Bubby deadpanned from across the room. 

Gordon just groaned again.

The three men and one entity just fell back into silence again, nothing seemed to be pressing enough to break it, so none of them broke it.

Until five minutes had passed, and Bubby got tired of it. "Yeah. I'm bored."

Gordon didn't move. "...If you hadn't broken my _TV_ , I could've put something on it." 

A single moment passed before Gordon's head popped up, "Oh _fuck_ my _TV_!"

Benrey tilted their head as Gordon nearly leaped off the couch to the carpeted floor, "... what's up with the dramatic play Gordon?"

"If I know Mari right, she's going to bring Joshua-!" 

Bubby's snort quickly interrupted Gordon as the physicist scrambled to pick up the glass with shakey hands. "And that's a big deal, why?"

"Joshua's four Bubby!" Gordon snapped, "He doesn't really understand that glass isn't that good! And-"A hiss escaped Gordon as his hand lurched away from the small pile of glass he was making. "Oh, for fucks sake."

The physicist groaned before he stuck the now bleeding finger into his mouth. "I can't really deal with this right now-"And then Benrey cut him off by grabbing the back of his shirt and taking his place.

A pain-filled groan escaped from Gordon as he hit the fluff covered couch. "Benrey- What the hell are you doing-?"

"stupid, can't even pick up the glass without losing your precious, uh red stuff." Benrey muttered as he pulled glass shard after glass shard from the carpet.

Gordon blinked. "What the hell are you doing?"

"what does it look like, Feetman? dr. coomer lift this piece of shit shell of a tv." 

Dr. Coomer just stood up and walked over to Benrey. "Of course, Security Chief Benny!" 

Benrey's movements stalled as Dr. Coomer lifted the TV and put it back onto the stand. "don't.. call me that. it's Benry."

"Of course, Officer Boper!"

A low string of mutters burst from Benrey before he resumed picking up the glass. Gordon just sat there on the fluffy couch, watching as Benrey picked up each speck of glass from the carpeted floor. 

Every once in a while, the TV would spark and-

"Uh, guys, the TV is still plugged in." Gordon's voice was small as he stared at the weird position of Benrey directly in front of the _sparking_ tv. How the fuck did Gordon not immediately take care of that? 

Benrey smacked their lips, "so?"

The theoretical physicist scowled as another spark came dangerously close to brush against the otherworldly security guard's helmet. "For fucks sake, Benrey, at least unplug it!" The man snapped as he jerked up and off the couch. 

Only for a gloved hand to immediately push him back onto the couch. "...mmmno. sorry bro, unless you've got your passport, and shoes, no standing up is allowed."

"...What."

A fanged smile flickered across Benrey's face. "you heard me, bro."

Behind Benrey, Bubby just rolled his eyes before he slid off the chair, and behind the TV. Said TV stopped sparking after a moment.

"Benrey. I _destroyed_ my _passport_ when we _killed **you**_." 

"should've done a better job, gordos. cus im still standing here."

"...I hate you so much."

Benrey flashed another smile before he ducked back down the carpeted floor. "...ssso. coomer, when's the ex coming by?"

Dr. Coomer perked up, "Oh! I'd say any minute now!"

As Dr. Coomer spoke, Bubby returned from behind the TV with a small cord in his hands. "Hey, Gordon, What does this do-?"

The doorbell ringing immediately cut the clone off and said clone immediately scowled.

"Well, that was rude." Dr. Coomer huffed.

Gordon's expression flattened, and he moved to stand up again. "That's gotta be Mari just let me-"

A foot lashed out directly into Gordon's path, and he tripped over it. But instead of falling forwards, he fell back onto the couch. "passport Gordon!" Benrey chimes as Gordon, again, groaned.

The doorbell rang again, and Gordon three his head back. "...Bubby, please go get the door."

"You owe me a Dunkin' Donuts for this." Bubby muttered, but he did stand up before he left the room.

Another beat of silence passed.

"Benrey can I get up now-?" "nah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, quick disclaimer that I should’ve put in the beguinning.  
> I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, if I get any of this wrong please tell me so I can do my best to fix it.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr if ya want!  
> I mainly shitpost there but I occasionally post things I write that don't go here!  
> https://golden-buddle.tumblr.com/


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ivory means Worry!  
> Blue means Calm Down!

The door was right next to the couch, so Gordon had plenty of view to watch Bubby open the door and let Mari in.

She wasn’t clutching her purse, where’s her purse? But she did have her keys gripped tightly in her hands.

Gordon watched her open her mouth, but before she could speak, he interrupted her.

“Hey, Mari.” His voice was low, quiet. Benrey may have chained him to the couch, but he can still be _busy_. He doesn’t have to focus on his past.

The woman’s head jerked to the side before she rushed in. “Gordon, What the hell happened to you?” As she spoke, both Bubby and Dr. Coomer quickly moved around, giving her plenty of room to get into the living room, and plenty of room for them to watch the fireworks they were sure were coming.

Her feet quickly made their way into the couch, and soon enough, she was directly next to both Benrey and Gordon. 

“A.. very long story. One that I’m sure I’m not going to be allowed to talk about.”

Her eyes softened, “...Gordon-“

Nope, he’s not dealing with her concern. “Hey, did you bring Joshy? I..” he trailed off before he waved towards the broken TV. “Uh, my TV is broken, and Benrey isn’t letting me clean up the glass-“

“Gordon,” Mari’s voice broke through his rambles with a worried undertone. “Just.. stop it. Joshua is still with Jane-“ Gordon couldn’t help but squash the disappointment that welled up in his chest, “-But Joshy isn’t coming.”

“...What?“ “Gordon.” Mary’s voice had a steely tone buried into it. And when he glanced up at her, he immediately winced at the worried expression on her.

Her eyes softened, “I understand if you can’t legally talk about it, but I need to know this, have you had any flashbacks? Where you weren’t here anymore for a split moment?”

His mind flashed to the first time he woke up. The banging and screaming bringing him back to Black Mesa instead of staying in his room-

“...I thought so.” Oh. He emoted. His one hand reached up, and when it touched his face, he felt the sticky wetness of tears. 

“Mari-“ “Just stop Gordon. We both know it isn’t safe to bring Joshua around-“ “Mari-!”

“Gordon, for the love of God, will shut up?! Joshua, can’t come here. What would happen if you were having a flashback, and you mistook Joshy as the one who took your arm?” Mari’s voice was cold, though shaky, as she gestured to his arm. 

Gordon’s eyes widened, “That would never happen-!”

“It could happen, though.”

A ball immediately found its way into Gordon’s throat as a low rumbling filled the room, neither of the two currently conversing noticed it though. 

“...Mari, please don’t take him away.”

Her jaw clicked shut with a click. “...It won’t be permanent. And.. maybe I’ll let you have supervision later. Its.. this is for both of yours and Joshy’s well-being, Gordon. You know that this needs to happen.”

Gordon felt the tears that fell out of his eyes this time. And he felt the sobs threatening to burst from his chest. 

The rumbling increased, and suddenly Benrey was on the couch next to Gordon glaring at Mari.

“Okay, time for you to leave!” Dr. Coomer suddenly blurted out. “You said what you needed to say, Miss Mari and his bandages are fine!”

Mari’s jaw closed with another click before she nodded. As much as it killed the two parents in the room to have that conversation, they both needed it.

Mari knew Gordon would try to use Joshua as a distraction, and she knew he would eventually snap. 

Gordon needed a safe place to break down, where he can safely cry and break things. And he couldn’t do that with Joshua there.

It still hurt, though. It hurt to see Gordon cry, and it hurt to watch him refuse any help from his friends who were bustling her out of the house.

The door slammed behind her, and Gordon was just sitting on the couch with tears flowing down his face. Benrey was beside him, and Bubby and Dr. Coomer were quickly coming back into the room.

Gordon... Gordon should’ve seen this coming. He went through hell and back, and Mari had always been perceptive.

He just wishes he would’ve gotten a chance to hug his son, he only wishes he could have a moment of peace that lasted longer than a meal, he just wishes that he could have pacing in the hellhole his life had become.

But no. No breaks. No moment of relaxation. Just. Pain.

It hurt. It hurt so much. 

Gordon’s jaw cracked as he continued to stifle the sobs that were threatening him. He vaguely was aware of Benrey pushing against his shoulder, and he was vaguely aware of the two older men flashing each other a look.

He didn’t dwell on either. He just sat there.

Then... Blue. Low humming and blue and suddenly everything was clearer. 

“...Benrey..?” 

Gordon felt the toughness of a vest lean against him. “mhm. whatcha thinking about?”

“...I.. nothing?” The Sweet Voice was quickly fading, but his brain still wasn’t coming back. He was aware of things around him, but his throat felt raw, and his emotions were dull again.

...Oh. No more distractions, no more hoping to see Joshua, another sob threatened him, so he’s back to being forced into feeling nothing.

Benrey hummed, and white ivory orbs started to float around them. “that’s not good. no sadness, either?”

Gordon leaned back. “No.”

“Let’s get you back into your room, Gordon.” Gordon squinted slightly as he tried to figure out who- Oh. Dr. Coomer.

The older scientist slowly helped the quiet man up off the couch and down the hallway. The two other beings slowly followed him as Dr. Coomer brought him into his bedroom. 

The bed was still a mess, speckled with brownish flecks of blood, and the blankets twisted up into a white nest. 

Dr. Coomer just placed him down onto the bed. “Settle down, Gordon.” His voice was soft as Benrey climbed onto the end of the bed, “Bubby and I will take care of things for the time being. Just rest for now.”

Gordon just pulled his legs onto the dirty bed and leaned back. “Okay.”

The physicist didn’t flinch as Dr. Coomer took Gordon’s glasses off him, but he did flinch when the door slammed shut behind them.

The end of the bed dipped as Benrey got up. A moment passed, and the curtains to his room were closed.

Now in a darkened room, Gordon just curled into himself. He didn’t want to think of anything, and lucky enough for him his brain wasn’t forcing him to.

He still had to deal with Benrey’s quiet humming, though. But that’s okay, he can ignore it. He can just rest for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that everything has been thrown at Gordon, the Science Team is going to drag him kicking and screaming into recovery.  
> The man hasn't really had any time to deal with the Trauma he had during Black Mesa, so hopefully, I can stop kicking him and actually let him heal.
> 
> Okay, quick disclaimer that I should’ve put in the beguinning.  
> I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, if I get any of this wrong please tell me so I can do my best to fix it.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr if ya want!  
> I mainly shitpost there but I occasionally post things I write that don't go here!  
> https://golden-buddle.tumblr.com/

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, quick disclaimer that I should’ve put in the beguinning.  
> I’m not a doctor, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist, if I get any of this wrong please tell me so I can do my best to fix it.
> 
> Check out my Tumblr if ya want!  
> I mainly shitpost there but I occasionally post things I write that don't go here!  
> https://golden-buddle.tumblr.com/


End file.
